Is anybody else starting to feel like this 12 day series could almost be a course? Or is it just that it’s a course for me and everybody else gets to participate via my publicising of what God is working me through?!
I’ll go ahead and answer that and say I fully know this is searing and healing others, and we’re in the muddiness AND the breakthrough together here. What a place to be!
I’ve written down at least 8 or 9 potential topic ideas for the upcoming days of this series as I’ve been writing it, and I’ll no doubt not get to most of them – particularly because the actual topic for each day comes through as I write it – so as much as I’m chomping to write about one or two of ‘em in particular, here is today’s:
I find it so difficult to get my head around the fact that God wants me to co-partner with Him and dream my own dreams, not just obediently follow (ahem, perform and measure up!) a checklist of works He has assigned for me.
Key word here: *I*. I find it difficult, when I am in ‘me’ without first being in Him. Yes I am always in Him as His child, but what I mean is when I look through the lens of my soul. When I let my mind and emotions be in the drivers seat. As opposed to when I first sit in Him,
go all the way into Him,
and then look round in and FROM that place, the lens or driver being His Spirit through mine, with my emotions and intellect and will as companions not leaders.
In that place, in the Spirit, I do not doubt.
I do not worry.
I do not hem and haw.
I know that I know that I KNOW the ideas and imagination and creative flow coming through me is of and from God and also ME and a reflection of the fact that I am His daughter and of course my ideas and wants line up with reflecting my Father!
When I am thinking though …
When I let worry rule …
When I buy into an idea that it is even POSSIBLE to accidentally not walk forward in my right calling or destiny (Go read 1 Samuel 3:19 if you need some reassurance on THAT!) …
Then I think well how on earth could God want me to have to choose or decide or want anything, that doesn’t seem right at all!
Just tell me what to do God, and I’ll do it! With bells on!
Lately I’ve felt like God has been quieter when I’m seeking His will for the specifics of what I ‘should’ do.
This series has reflected a lot of the inner workings and, honestly, navel gazing, I’ve gone through to let a spirit of performance be stripped off of me. Spoiler on that: performance is not all bad and some of us were born performers by design! I definitely want to write about that, but in case I don’t please don’t think in talking so much about pulling down performance I’m saying we should never perform.
Performing in order to be allowed to be or be worthy, that’s the issue.
Not performing from original design. Yes? Yes!
So.
God has been quiet. And I’ve found it frustrating. Confusing, too. Why can’t you just give me a list?!
Then yesterday the Holy Spirit led me straight to a Bill Johnson teaching where the floor nearly fell out from under me, and it was all around how he also felt so STUCK – and was at first disbelieving – when it came to the topic of God wanting to know what HE (Bill) wanted.
Exactly like I realised I’ve been thinking, Bill questioned why on earth God would want to know his wants. Just tell me what to do God!
You will really only relate to this if you’ve already fully submitted to God, and / or your deep cry is to do so even if you’ve not thought about it.
If you’re still on the side of “I want everything I want and I should have it!” *stops foot* this is not so much for you right now.
But then it got even better.
Bill (one of my favourite sermonisers if you don’t know him) mentioned how bereft of purpose he found himself feeling, how unable to take action, every time his focus went to rewards and outcomes instead of Kingdom.
We all know Matthew 6:33 “seek first the Kingdom of God and its righteousness, and all these things will be added to you”. ‘These things’ are the things humans typically pursue, want, feel they need.
Most people miss the fact that it says all these things WILL be added to you. Not might! So yes we should expect overflow and wholeness in all areas in God, as a by-product of seeking Him! It’s just what happens.
But when we go looking for it.
When we try to figure it out.
When we try to ‘get there’.
When we try to know how it’s going to look.
Firstly it’s a wrong focus, and by definition we find ourselves off alignment.
Secondly, and boy oh boy have I been in the muck of this more than I even realised, if we are truly surrendered to God and that is our deep WANT, we find ourselves unable to act.
Honestly, I wouldn’t have thought I’m over here ‘chasing outcomes’ at this point.
I actively let a multi-million dollar ‘empire’ fall.
I actively and repeatedly told God take what needs taking, break what needs breaking, shake what can be shaken!
I have spent the last 3 years letting go and wanting to FULLY let God, even if it meant not being known / seen again in ‘that way’ or making money again in that way.
All I want is what God’s will is for and through me, to be His voice and vessel!
What I didn’t see, til that training yesterday?
I’ve been chasing the outcome of right identity.
I’ve been so desperate to know who I am meant to be.
I’ve been looking for assurance in a set of ‘what it looks like to be me’ parameters, so I can then … do them. Meet them. And ‘be’ them.
But that’s not really being, is it? Which is also why it just doesn’t quite … work.
And it explains one part of why I’ve found myself swilling in a sense of purposelessness, largely unable to take action outside of in the fire of my church community or my time alone with God, not wanting to, and feeling like I’m not even meant to!
When I let go of needing it to make me into something, someone, or even ME, I can breathe again.
I can be here again.
And I can be the voice and VESSEL again, because it’s a pure thing and not FOR some thing.
This is why in my private space or in my church the fire of God flows freely through me, and I don’t question any of it. I’m not trying to make sure I BE right there.
Here is the other part:
Permission to dream.
It’s weird hey? Because I’ve literally created entire courses around dreaming and God calling us to do so. Designed to Be a Dreamer is quietly one of the best masterclasses I believe I ever ran.
And I fully KNOW God wants us to express and live through our own desires WHEN we are yielded to Him because He’s the one who aligns our desires and outlooks! His thoughts and ways for us are expressed through our desires and He says Himself He will give us the desires of our hearts when we delight in Him and are willing. Meaning: soft and yielded!
So what gives Kat?!
And I guess the simple answer to that is letting fear have even a 1% access point to the drivers seat of my day or way. The fact that old habits die hard. And that generational /bloodline patterns and holds in the spirit realm even once broken still need to be walked out into that full manifest freedom!
Exactly as I am doing here.
Wanna declare with me child of God?
I am free by the power of Christ to walk forward in my full destiny, purpose, and calling.
The truth is I don’t want to show up or live even a second of my life in order to get or go someplace! I KNOW I already have everything I need and could desire given to me in Christ, and His blessings for me are beyond what I can imagine!
I am not here to do business, ministry, or life ‘so that’.
I’m here because I can’t not!
And in Jesus Name I cut fully every lingering tie binding me to any and all ungodly forms of performance, perfectionism, or any mindset which says God will only be pleased with me if I follow an exact set of steps, which I first need to exactly work out!
I am called as a daughter.
God wants to CO-create with and through me.
He has made me a dreamer!
He wants to see me share with Him the desires of my heart and see me say yes to them!
I trust His Spirit is leading me and He has made me to be FREE!
In Jesus Name,
Amen.
And then?
Babe.
Duh!
We live it. We practice. We follow the scripture and ‘put on Christ’ daily. And we keep going in in Him to the place where we forgot any idea of it being all about how to be and we just … are.
Let me know what you think!
And don’t forget –
Life is Now. Press Play.
Kat
