I think I let myself get to a certain point of success that felt like I’d proven SOMETHING, then started to carefully slide into lowered expectation and a continual hedging of my dreams.
Growing up I always knew I was born for more.
I was 11 when I first started flicking through my Dad’s Tony Robbins books, and what I found in there was ME. I thought ‘oh! That’s what I’m going to do. Make and impact millions.’
It wasn’t an exciting idea or a cool goal. It wasn’t an idea at all actually. It was just … recognition. That’s what I’m here for.
I felt like – ‘good! Now that’s sorted, we can get on with things!’
Like closing a book satisfactorily once you’ve completed it.
I got on with a life built around an expectation (forged by me) that I was going to be a lawyer. Why wouldn’t I be? I’m great with words, it’s a high achievers prove yourself dream, and of course I love to stand steadfast on a point … certainly to my detriment at times .. but mostly for good, so DUH – !
I will aim for a career which is understood, respected, and considered out of reach for most people.
I went ahead and got the grades because, well, it’s who I was. Who my parents were. And who I knew how to be. ‘A’? Well why would you expect or be happy with that if A+ was available? And how about A++?!
I did it all.
With mostly ease.
Because I just saw straight through the allegedly required methods of learning and got the answer. DECIDED the answer. Decided I knew. And I did.
I won everything I set out to.
I didn’t play anything I didn’t set out to, at least not without duress. And so it went.
By the time I got to Uni though, the cracks were showing. I wasn’t hoop jumping for teachers so much anymore. I The hoop jumping was so easy, sure! But I still got bored with it.
I started to look around and gradually realise that I could actually do and be whoever and whatever I wanted, and NOBODY WAS GONNA STOP ME. Also nobody was gonna praise me so much at Uni and so why keep jumping?
Ah the beauty of learning how to SEE why we did what we did, hey?!
I think deep down, if I would have thought about it, I’d have known I’m SO not gonna be a lawyer in a system. I hadn’t realised spiritual lawyer was available as a job back then; that took a few more decades to click in!
The lawyer thing was really a pinned idea. A place holder.
And gradually, through a lot of mess and what seemed like endless failed and embarrassing business ideas, ‘here she goes again!’, as well as somehow always SOMETHING working and flowing along the way, I just … became.
The writer.
The preacher.
The leader.
The one who couldn’t NOT say the thing.
Just as that had at times got me in trouble at school and in various other situations, it got me in trouble sometimes in the online world, but back in 2006 when I started it was the wild west and nobody had ever HEARD of all the stuff we know now; it was kind of SHOCKING for somebody to just be speaking blunt truth (still is a bit, sadly), and so what happened?
A movement grew.
And I realised this is what I am BORN for. To write, speak, and POUR OUT A THING WHICH IS MEANT TO COME OUT.
I also realised, huh.
I can make millions with this, so I’ll just do that.
In many ways (sorry!) it was as easy as just deciding that if an A is available I’ll get that then, and if A++ is then obviously I’ll go for that one.
Thank you so much. So kind.
And, just like I enjoyed and it was aligned and definitely a God’s design part of me to be that person in school, walk forward in and become everything it gave and taught me, it was aligned and SO yes to be the achiever and creative overflow I have been in business.
But if I am honest.
I saw the highest of the heights that were available within a certain SPHERE – the online world, which wasn’t even an actual thing really when I came online in ‘06, so let’s say the IDEA of the online world and what was possible.
And I decided to be the best in that sphere.
So I did.
And then?
I gradually just stopped shooting higher.
I told myself a story that it was okay to not just keep going for more more MORRRREEEE … which was true, because hello ALIGNMENT and ‘what it’s really about’, but what it was actually about was that I was scared of stepping into a new sphere where I didn’t have my own certainty I could just win.
I was scared of stepping beyond my own estimation of the ‘easy A+’ I could roll with.
And I felt like I didn’t know how, anyway.
How to exit the coaching world, or being queen of it.
How to step into just … the world.
And the calling I always knew, since I was that little 11 year old me flicking through Dad’s Tony Robbins books, to be a messenger who spoke to the world beyond just a certain safe bubble. A bubble I myself had been one of the creators of in many ways, so talk about comfort zone!
Everybody thought I’d ‘made it’. I was the one to learn from, listen to, become like, if by becoming we meant being unapologetically you!
I don’t want to downplay everything I was, did, created, and served you with, because by GOD it was good. It was the best of days! But it was also in some ways the worst of days for me because with each day that passed the beat within me grew and it was SCREAMING at me that you KNOW you’re meant to look further, and step out.
Not to deny or dismiss THIS world, I have such a heart for the coaching world, I bleed its blood! I LOVE this world.
But to operate from a place God put inside of me which is unique to me and which INCLUDES but is not FINITELY that world.
The thing is, when we refuse to step forward in faith in that great unknown of the NOW vision, and then we just keep refusing, in my case being very very busy being very very successful in my own little sphere, eventually we stop believing we will ever do it. All the while telling ourselves of course we will; tomorrow! Today just has so much on!
It’s the boy who cried wolf.
We are boy who cried wolf-ing our own lives.
I let my expectation not only of growing beyond a certain level but eventually even STAYING at that level fade because I knew it wasn’t the actual place I was meant to be and because I got so so tired from not saying yes to the now true yes.
I would repeatedly write myself back into certainty! And knowing! And truth! But then instead of taking that deep breath to start planting a flag beyond this sphere, I would turn that into a blog, a course, the things I knew how to do.
And it was SO good.
But it was also SO frustrating, watching myself doing this.
Do you know what I think now though?
I could have gone all the way to where destiny is written for me, it would have been an even bigger train wreck to clamber out by the grace of God of when I finally saw REALITY in Him, and so that would have been fine. God turns ALL things to good for those who are righteous and who love Him!
And also?
I’m kind of excited that I never actually stepped out.
That I never let it get THAT big.
I mean, praise God I didn’t plaster THAT version of me all over the world in a mainstream famous way! Imagine having to pull down all THAT. It’s been a mission enough for me to rightly walk forward in deleting / stripping off my old public persona, one I’ve walked through with careful prayer and intention and not been hasty with, but a mission nonetheless!
I am grateful for this ‘holding back of going all the way’ for real for real, as well as being in awe and wonder at God’s redeeming power and just the beauty of witnessing others cme to Christ from *that* level of fame.
And if I’m honest again?
I knew I was waiting.
I knew it’s not quite this.
I knew the core of my message was right but the manifestation of it was becoming ever more perverted from where I was meant to be.
I KNEW I was hiding from God.
“lalalalala, can’t hear you!”
Really – “don’t know how to look at you. Don’t realise your love for me doesn’t require me to be perfect. Don’t realise it’s not up to ME to bridge any gap with you”.
And I knew.
I never DIDN’T know.
That what I was born for was this moment right here.
And by the power and authority of Jesus in me the now RIGHT declaration and decree, and that is this:
I have a voice for the nations.
LORD HERE I AM.
Send me.
In Jesus Name,
Amen.
Now don’t forget –
Life is Now. Press Play.
Kat
PS
How about you?
