12 Days of Christmas Confessions – Day 5: I’ve Still Been Clinging to My Life and Ideas of Who I Need to Be

I’ve been in a wrestle on this one for years.

Maybe the entire time?

Do you ever stop and think back to when you were last TRULY in flow and certainty and a deep deep knowing that this is where you’re meant to be?

I felt it last Sunday with my first time on stage in my church, the fire of God coming through me and blowing right outta the water the BEST of what I prepared.

I feel it every Tuesday and Thursday morning at the crack of dawn in our lit by fire prayer meetings, where we war, worship, and BECOME God’s dripping oil.

I feel it every time I am in the presence of God in the time in the secret place by myself with Him, that holy of holies which is ALWAYS available and, when I insist on and expect to enter in I am finally, fully, let go of ME.

Sometimes it takes longer than others to enter, the mind running rampant and needing to actively be hushed, “I have quieted my soul” said David in Psalms and I get it, so often!

Sometimes it takes a little less.

But either way,

ALWAYS,

when we let go of our us?

We meet and deeply ENCOUNTER the living God and all that we actually and truly ARE right now, and need to be.

But there is also the other reality, and that’s the one I want to talk about right now.

The one in which we cling, and continue to look through a lens of our own and the worlds making, as though somebody just announced there was a special prize for extreme stubbornness, fixed mindedness, and a refusal to look through a heavenly lens ESPECIALLY when it comes to the work of our hands.

Meaning:

We don’t quite let go of our life and our own ideas of who we need to be, how we need to act, and what should be being produced right now if we were ‘on track’.

As I was working out the other day I found myself in supernatural encounter with the Lord, and in that encounter I heard “you are still holding on to your life”.

If you’re not a Jesus gal and not quite sure the reference here nor why on earth I would NOT want to hold on to my life just think surrender.

Jesus says in multiple places in the gospels (the stories of His life on earth) that whoever holds on to their life will lose it, but whoever hands over all of them will gain TRUE life, the life they were born for both on and beyond this earth.

This is about yielding the desires and outlook of the SOUL (mind, will, emotion) and being led through your spirit, by the Holy Spirit, to walk forward in grace, which is supernatural power, in God’s plan.

It’s about letting go of trying to be.

Of thinking about how to be.

And, as we’ve been talking about in this confessional series, jumping through hoops of performance to be!

Oh Lord that our heart cry would be to burn burn BURN for you and be a living light to the world we came here for!

Confession time!

I know to the deepest part of me and have known for years, all of ’em really, that ‘it works’ when I don’t try to get the outcome or make it happen.

I firmly believe that everything which is FOR you, literally already written, signed, sealed, laminated and delivered; now waiting in the spirit realm for you to see it, will occur, as the Word of God says, through your belief and calling it into being.

And yet I see myself still NOW, despite all these years preaching to others on this, operating from worry, fear, doubt, or just plain fixed identity ideas of what it looks like to be me.

Do this with me; insert your name though and change the endings to reflect you.

This is where we’re writing out what we actually believe as far as we OPERATE from this.

The operating system of our soul yeah?

If you’re tapped in enough as you no doubt are to recognise you believe a different truth – the actual truth – in your spirit, understand we are answering from the one that is DRIVING you though, not the one you know is ‘right’.

Be honest.

If I have to confess – and I do – so can you!

Here we go:

I am Kat and I believe my value is in my performance and output.

I believe Kat has an ability to lead, teach, preach, activate and empower others and that that also means she must, even at the expense of her.

I believe I can’t afford to wait on the ebb and flow as it will be too inconsistent for my business and people’s expectations, and besides – I can always just turn the flow on!

I believe if I can do something and it is in any way connected to my gifts and purpose, i.e. help or be there for somebody, guide or lead them, I should do it.

I believe I should do it all, and that even when I do it’s not enough because there is obviously more I could do, and even if it’s incredible it could be better because better is always available but perfect is best and therefore where I should be.

I believe my value is in my output and the proving of the fact that I have a call on my life, the demonstration of my gifts and service, and the work of my hands which shows I am willing to do what it takes even if what it takes is every last bit of me and probably especially then.

I believe I should leave no stone unturned, no creative idea remotely connected to my message or call not acted on, no revelation or life lesson not turned into a teaching and sharing moment and just … AUGH.

Stop.

Praise God that by His grace I recognise all this as MY MIND AND EMOTION DOING WHAT A MIND AND EMOTION DOES WHEN NOT RIGHTLY GOVERNED.

So let’s rightly govern, yeah?

Because also –

I believe in my TRUEST place, in and through my spirit, that all of this is overridden in one fell swoop by a higher truth which says no.

My value is in my God given identity.

Which does not require me to dance to a tune of doing OR being.

Yet which, in rest and surrender to an unfolding I couldn’t orchestrate if I tried, results in me doing and being precisely who I came here to be, FROM not (futilely) TOWARDS heaven.

And all of that is simply an outlook,

I can opt out of once again, or as many times as I need to, commanding fear, doubt, anxiety, overwhelm, striving, self-sufficiency, insufficiency, and all of their ilk to leave in Jesus Name, Amen!

And so I do (opt out).

And it is quite often needed.

And it is a layering process, because my letting go and trusting in God’s plan He works through me is light years from where it was three years ago but boy – !

I still see so many places where if I am honest I am TERRIFIED of not being at least SOME understandable in my own sense version of who I made myself into being, who I think you expect me to be, and who I think I obviously need to be … surely at least a little bit?! … in order to be safe. Provided for. On path. Seen. And in my CALL, which is what I want more than all the other outcomes; that’s for sure!

I am scared of missing my call, and when I act from that fear I would or will strive. Fight. And hold myself to a standard which, even if I met it, would not result in me being on assignment OR path.

The only way is total surrender and the total allowing of the fire from heaven to build through me, burn all of me, and pour out of me.

When I let that be the ONLY expectation and way, the ONLY fuel I will act from … everything doesn’t just ‘work’, it EXPLODES TO THE HEAVENS because it came FROM the heavens!

The truth is I know God is calling me to be EVEN slower to move online.

I started this series saying I’ve wondered if I should leave altogether, and knowing that writing the series itself, tearing off all the gloss and ideas or ideals of who I am, was part of what I needed in order to stay.

Well I do know I’m staying, that’s for sure.

But even in this last few days I have come into clearer vision, revelation, and also had some powerful supernatural encounters, dreams, and prophetic insight, which confirms and deepens what I already knew.

And that is this:

Where we are going, the old ways can’t come with.

I knew that already.

But whew. There is still so much more.

I’ve known how to flow for a long time.

I’ve EXPERIENCED many times how to flow with the Lord.

But what I am learning right now is how to only be His flow.

The unbecoming is so much more than I could have thought.

It is more painstaking or difficult, in a way.

And it is the most exciting place I’ve been to yet.

Are you coming?

Don’t forget –

Life is Now. Press Play.

Kat