12 days of Christmas confessions from a former self-made multi-millionaire. Day 1 Am I completely done.

Never before in my life have I been less certain of anything yet somehow more certain of everything than what I have been this year.

Never before in the 20 years of my journey of online blogging, creating, showing up, somehow becoming a fore-runner of the entire ‘be unapologetically you’ world of purpose-driven women online and building a multi 8-figure ’empire’, have I felt more unable to show up. Wondered if there is any point to me doing so. Wondered why I am even here.

Never before have I felt so tossed and turned.
So hemmed and hawed.
Or flipped so violently, ridiculously, self-consciously, between hyping myself once again into being ‘that girl’, yasssssss sisterrrrrr, and then being SURE that I am not meant to write a thing,
speak a thing,
pour out a thing,
seek to unleash the fire of a thing,
or create launch and sell a thing,
at all.

Except that even in THOSE moments I know that I know that I know the call on my life is to pour out the fire and the flow to the world!

Exhale.

I am writing this to do my best to no holds barred just say what I believe needs to be said, both as a confessional for me personally; a public journalling if you will (and you’re certainly free to leave if you will not!), but also what I believe needs to be said right now for so many women.

I have been so tired this year.

So very very tired, to the core of me.

Some of that has been the apparent re-flaring of a 20 year+ chronic illness which praise God I WAS delivered from last year, but which flared again I think in response to just general life overload with cyclone damage / house fixing and selling and a few other things.

But a lot of it, a lot of that WEARINESS has just been the weariness of continually.freaking.trying.to figure out who I AM now!

Wanna know what’s funny?

I know FULL well it is not my job to figure out but to just be!

I WROTE THE BOOK ON THAT! Literally. Actually it was roughly 60+ books on that and the like! (Deleted now if you go looking, as it was the me who is now dead and who I’ve no inclination to continue to monetize or let preach a thing).

The figuring out has been endless.

The questioning of my identity has been relentless.

The deep deep desire to let out what God put in me, to be that person in YOUR life and those who I am here for who is obedient to the work, the call, the ASSIGNMENT, the missive, yet the PERPETUAL and at times completely strangling condemnation I have allowed to have a hold over me.

When you begin or once again surrender to a journey into truest truth, and I mean the truth of who you are in JESUS, the devil will come at you REAL hard to shame you on your TRUE identity.

I have let myself be so worried at times about not being in line with God’s will and way in my life that I have turned myself in circles til I’m in a tizzy, dizzy, and unable to even move!

All while knowing and saying to anyone else who I’m speaking life into the life of that if you’re a child of God you are LED by God, walk.forward.in.faith!

And know that He’s got you.

I have been so close, so many times this year, on pulling the pin on all of it here online.

I have equally thought I’m meant to shut down my entire online presence,

and then had visions and dreams I KNOW God gave me for pouring out fire from heaven with the fire He puts in my mouth and lights with an oil that doesn’t go out!

I have WANTED to shut it all down though, a lot.

And then when I am teaching or preaching a thing, 99% of the time I KNOW it’s where I’m meant to be.

I have repeatedly rebuked and bound confusion, fear, all of their evil cohorts, but then once again just felt … stuck.

And so. So. TIRED.

At the core of it, the tiredness, I realise, has not been sickness. It’s not been overwork or even an intense year of life with cyclone fallout and house and family things. And it’s not even been, oh, maybe I just need some FREAKING LONG SERVICE LEAVE AFTER DOING THIS AT THAT LEVEL OF INTENSITY FOR 20 YEARS, it’s been, I believe, the exhaustion of trying to BE.

“Stop focusing on doing!”, everyone says. Girl I know! I’ve taught that for decades!

But how do I stop focusing on how to BE?

(Spoiler, the answer is go into God’s presence and there you WILL be, but also spoiler: sanctification takes sanctification. lol).

Wanna know what’s frustrated me, okay driven me furious, most of all?

The infuriating DEFAULTING (of me) back to dancing like a pretty little puppet on the street corner of the internet for peanuts.

PERFORMING.
TURNING IT ON.
HYPING.

I don’t even know I’m doing it most of the time; it’s not til I clean out my camera roll and want to puke in my mouth again like girl whyyyyyyyyy are you still repeatedly doing that whole look how cool / hot / vibey / on fire / dropped in / godly / whatEVA my life is!

I can’t stand it.

No need to comment and tell me I’m too hard on myself please either just say you GET it if you do or be on your WAY if you don’t, because I’m not writing this for comment-coaching or advice.

I got my people both professionally, and, most importantly, in the fire of the women and men I am going to war with, growing with, flowing with, being equipped amongst and by, and covered with, in the INCREDIBLE Holy Spirit fire church I am part of.

Guess what?

I spoke on stage for the first time at church yesterday, I did a short segment on tithes, giving, which my Pastor asked me to prepare. I completely missed nearly every point I’d prepared and instead flowed (overtime, whoops!) with THE EXACT BURNING OIL GOD HAD PUT IN ME, which was what I prayed and expected, and as I came off that stage just calm, walking in the peace and groundedness of God, I KNEW:

this is where I’m meant to be.

“You’re a preacher Kat”, said my Pastor, and others whose discernment, wisdom, and positioning by God I respect and receive from.

“Why do you need anyone else to tell you that”, said my daughter? “Everybody knows that!”

Okay, sure, but having it seen in my church … in a place I have not once tried to show up as the Kat the online world knows, not once have I tried to be anything, and where God Himself has moved me into position and a mantling I never expected, would have asked for, saw, yet RECOGNISED, as yes, is … it’s something.

And I know.
Have always known.
Since I was a little girl.
I am here to carry the fire and flow of God.

When I said ‘where I’m meant to be’, I don’t mean on stage at church although yes I do believe I’m called to preach in that actual way, but I mean ‘where I’m meant to be’ in the LETTING GO AND LETTING THE FIRE OF GOD FLOW.

Sister reading this, I have felt like I lost my way so hard on that this year that I truly thought maybe I am not meant to find it again for the ONLINE world.

I built this thing that everybody in our industry wanted.
I ran the show and I WAS the show.
I became and led the best of the best.
I made all the money.
Bought all the things.
Did it all best as I could in my KNOWING I was running from God state from purpose.

And so maybe it’s just that where God is taking me now is not for YOU guys! (soz)

And I have also NEVER been more done with my OWN self on continually committing to courses which I know full well I can over deliver on, I’m gifted at speaking and creating and delivering and I sure have the expertise and history, so I can do that in my sleep but poke.my.eyeballs.with.chopsticks, WHY do I continue to somehow just repeat repeat repeat PRODUCE?!

But then again what about the fact that I know God has put a fire in me which is to burn and flow every day?!

I TOLD YOU IT’S MY PUBLIC JOURNAL LEAVE ANYTIME IF YOU DON’T DO MESSY.

And for the love of God don’t try and tell me YOUR answer. Just sit with it all the way before you say anything, because we’re going some place.

I’m not in the mood for anybody trying to tell me what I ‘just’ need to realise or be or do, I know! I can guarantee you that whatever it is I’ve written an entire epistle of it in my journal, prayed and vented on it, and can probably point you to a blog on it!

I know it all. lol.
And I know nothing.
But He who is in me knows all things and so I’ll just go with that!

Am I being petulant, bratty? I’ll allow it.

Being human is MESSY, that’s the point. Would you let me just be messy today? Is that okay? Or do we need to try and get back to perfect and performing right away this second?

I’m over here trying to strip back whatever gloss is still on me right now because if we’re going to keep doing this thing together I CANNOT DO IT FOR ANOTHER MINUTE WITHOUT THE SUPERNATURAL AND ALSO PHYSICAL SHEDDING OF EVERY LAST BIT OF CRUD WHICH HAS STILL BEEN ON ME.

Here is the crud, in no particular order:

I can’t stand a lot of my content.
I’ve done less content then I’ve ever done this year, yet still rolled my eyes at and wanted to delete a lot of it, mostly the instagram stuff. NOT ALL OF IT SO NO I DON’T NEED YOU TO COMMENT EITHER THAT YOU ‘NOTICED’ HOW INAUTHENTIC OR NOT ME I’VE BEING.

Go away. Anyone who comments you saw how off or misaligned I’ve been, go slap yourself in the face with a cold fish. MESSY, yeah?

And by the way the walk forward in truth is one where in order to flow with what is you by definition ARE what APPEARS TO BE off course a lot of the time; that’s how you adjust IN, and in deeper.

It’s not off course if it snaps you through, is it? 😉

The crud:

I love my blogs, mostly, but whatever I’ve been doing or trying to do on social? HATE IT FOR THE MOST PART.
Overthink it a LOT.
I just see myself performing and want to slap myself. Wake up! Just BE!
Something about me, and honestly maybe it’s as simple as the fact that Instagram doesn’t allow for long form poetry prophecy rants and face punches which is, in a nutshell, what I am, just instantly tries to hop back into a nice little box and I don’t even notice myself doing it!
I get annoyed with the fact that I’m so rough visually (I think I look great btw, I mean the general way I’m NOT made up / styled / always wearing the same gym clothes).
I want to make more effort to look pretty on camera, which is not hard actually, and I have the clothes and style for it, am in the best shape of my life PS so that’s not an issue, but just the IDEA of efforting makes me scream I DON’T WANNA PERFORM FOR YOU.
I recognise the toddler tantrum vibes here and so I tell myself sternly to get over it!
But don’t.
Or do and then decide augh, it’s all fake fake fake.
Then decide aha! That’s the devil trying to condemn me! Not today satan!
But still do nothing because I don’t know … I’ve been waiting to just BE again?

What else?

I think I built such a strong identity over 20 years online that even though I’m in a new season now, and SHE is who comes out in the fire of my church community and the women and men I pray with there, war with there, grow with there, when it comes to online I flip.back.in. to being ‘that girl’ for you.

I NOTICE the performance and even though the message is for real I don’t WANNA show up as ‘her’, so I do nothing.

I don’t know, I think I’m running out of steam here.

And I’m starting to go into ‘okay crazy lady, are you gonna make any kind of point here’, so I think I’ll stop for today.

Here is what I know for sure in all of this:

Wrong focus can change everything.

Wrong focus can make something God-given, and absolutely what you were born for, tainted, off, perform-y rather than PURPOSE, and just … yuck.

And so I know this:

I cannot abide anymore having a focus, however inadvertent it may be, of ‘is it working’.

I don’t CARE if it’s growing.
I don’t CARE if it’s making mo’ mo’ money.
I don’t CARE if it’s all set up and systemised and productive.
I DON’T WANNA BE A DRIED OUT MILK COW JUST PRODUCING.

But you know what else?

I expect it to grow. I expect it to flow. I expect systems and the beautiful daily flow of the work God has given me to go out and impact millions!

And yeah I also expect millions, beyond millions, of income through and for and from and of the KINGDOM, as part of that.

But LOOK for it?
TRY for it?
SEEK it?

Nah.

Truth is I was never about that life and the literal reason I did make millions and impact millions back in the day was because I ignored all the rules, focused on the message, and just expected the outcome/s to show up AND THEY DID.

Girl that is biblical truth right there, just get in Jesus and let Him reveal to you what’s already given in Him but don’t go try and GET it!

Eyes up.
Eyes up.
Eyes up.

Blinders on.
Blinders on.
Blinders on.

I can’t do anything if it’s not of Him.

I don’t want to.

But also Jesus didn’t die for me to sit on my butt worrying and doing nothing.

So here we are.

idk if this helped?

I just know I can’t keep going as I have been.

Strips have gotta be ripped for the message to burn pure again.

So that’s what I’m gonna do.

lmk what you think.

Also go find me on Substack if you want the unadulterated flow ongoing. I might post my Christmas confessional series here, but I’m warming up the real ongoing stuff over there.

Kat.