RESPONSIBILITY. APOLOGY, PERHAPS? AND THE UNMISTAKEABLE REALISATION THAT I CAN’T ACTUALLY STRIP MYSELF OF THE IDENTITY GOD GAVE ME

where to start?

I feel like I’m about to write one of those big reveal posts. But at the same time, every multiple-times-per-day revelation I have feels like it could be a big reveal post if I wanted to frame it that way, so meh – here we go with just another layer of the continual stripping off and right becoming which is in fact just life RIGHT, in Christ.

The apology bit.

‘Maybe’ apology, because in thinking about it I don’t think I apologise at all! How could I possibly continue to be the leader I’m called to be if I didn’t continue walk through the fire and the ebbs and the flows of what God is doing in ME!

It’s never been walk with me ’cause I’m perfect and will never fail you. That’s JESUS yall. Me? It’s walk with me as I walk with Him.

If I was going to apologise it would be –

For barely showing up of late.

For running and hiding from simply letting the message be the message.

For receiving and seeing and carrying so much I could impart in service to you and yet not.

For being on and off again like a light switch about who I sense I’m truly called to be in this season.

For alternately loving and hating on social media as though IT has any actual dominion over true direction, alignment, Spirit-leading, and joy.

And for not being an example of a woman who leads from the frontlines of never faltering, and always being certain,

of who she is.

For which I am not sorry at all, because who wants to walk with THAT chick?!

But can I tell you?

It’s hard.

Don’t think that you’re alone if you find it HARD.

To know what you’re meant to do.

To see yourself as God does.

To be sure of the call on your life.

To truly RECEIVE Him.

And to know that you KNOW that you know,

that you’re carrying Him.

Don’t think that you’re alone if it’s HARD.

To have so much stirring in you yet not be sure of the right outlet.

To simultaneously want to pour it all out yet refuse to do any of it.

To question if the desire to BE that outpouring is the old ways of self sufficiency, and exaltation,

even as you get so excited about all God is showing you, and is!

This whole THING, the thing of coming back to God oh so fully, or finally just TRULY, is an absolute scrambled eggs on top of throw-it-at-the-wall cake of what even is HAPPENING for even the most determined human brain to figure out!

Does God want you to stop ALL of it?

Or to step forward and speak to rulers of nations and get some divine order in this place?!

lol.

OH HOW I HAVE BEEN THERE.

I have hidden from and avoided you, my beautiful and God-given online community, failed to show up for you, sat on my hands when I have things I could impart to you, because TRULY I have been working out the purpose-work bit of my salvation with fear and trembling and a HEFTY dose of my own overthinking, and finally,

here is what I have found –

Despite all possible attempts to achieve otherwise, whilst telling myself I was trying to find the path of righteousness and that SURELY being ‘all that’ was the thing I had to lay down, it turns out I am not capable of stripping myself of the identity God gave me.

Prolific.

Gifted.

Leader.

Seer.

Voice.

And vessel of the Lord,

here to carry and also BE His outpouring.

Don’t get me wrong.

I am GRATEFUL to sit here and say I truly did give it all to God.

I truly was ready to walk way from all of it.

I TRULY surrendered every last bit of my own will, way, and ability.

I truly was ready to NOT act in my giftings at all ’til He lead me.

I truly was obedient to what I felt He was leading me on, which was to actively resist even attempting to generate any kind of financial or business or ministry success, and to wait wait WAIT,

for His new thing.

I can look back at the past months, few years, and honestly say:

I have given and been willing to give Him everything He has asked for.

Surrendered EVERY desire. EVERY dream. EVERY thing I thought it should be, would be, or was.

I have learned to walk INTO trust. And I have meant and also lived it when I said to Him on repeat “less of me Lord, and more of you; wait NONE of me, and all of you”.

And as a result of that, I have begun a life-long journey of learning to truly know and experience who He IS, and who I am. To Him.

I have come to know what it is to have every last vestige of who I thought I was, and the identity I thought was true, broken off and left behind at the altar as His holy flames consumed me, swept through me, and MADE me, truly, His.

I have learned to be in His presence, but truly.

To experience His fire, consumingly.

To reach heaven, expectantly.

And to live a life where He is my lens, UNCEASINGLY.

Through it all,

there has been daily repentance,

continual fumbles,

plenty of fleshly confusion and figuring out,

and at times weariness to finally get to some place where the waters are calm and certain, even as in those times He has taught me He IS the calm and certain waters.

OH, how grateful I am that He taught me this, walked with me on this, carried me during the endless times of almost ‘nothingness’ moving in the physical realm, because when He then brought me over the threshold and into the Promised Land He’d prepared for me, where all of a sudden my whole LIFE started aligning to the ‘NOW I AM MAKING YOU MY OVERFLOW’ bit …

I knew not to worship or depend upon or be secure by the land, by the promise, by the blessings, by the overflow, but instead,

only Him.

I thought.

HONESTLY thought.

I was done.

With being that girl who is ‘on’.

Who is a voice who pours forth continually in the online space.

I dialled my showing up back dramatically.

I even pulled back massively from my groups. Still creating the deep dive trainings, yet just not quite ‘there’, in between. And allowing even bigger gaps than I usually do during content drops in my courses.

Most of all,

I convinced myself and believed that it was unseemly to be posting, writing, creating, pouring out,

online.

This was one part me making assumptions.

And one part God DID ask me am I willing to give Him all this, what I do online. What has sustained me for 20 years now. What was, up until only a few years ago, an exaltation of my self, and an empire built to the worship of money, fame, ungodly success, greed, and a quest to be significant by being of value and seen.

If you’ve known me throughout that whole time please know I am not dismissing the value of the work I poured out. My heart was always to preach and teach identity, alignment, purpose, destiny, and being who you came here to be, and I am fully aware I did that; helped thousands, lead a revolution, paved the way for an entire industry of women who are called to pour forth and lead doing so.

I am grateful.

And also,

the spirit beneath that was not God and so it could only in the end,

be revealed as the perversion it was.

Praise Jesus.

So yes.

It was important for me to walk through the many-layered fire of saying YES God. I will walk way from all of it.

I believe He needed ME to know who I would be in the moment He asked me if I would give it all away, every last bit.

Again,

I am grateful.

And also,

I am amused.

Because when I said “yes God, I will let go of all of it”, um.

I thought that’s what was going to happen.

Internally I even got a little bit excited at the curveball. I do love to zig when everybody else zags 😉

And I was ready for my new life!

I had been newly commissioned by my pastor, who released a mantle from God over me, something which shocked and SHOOK me, and I truly thought ‘aha’! This is it! God is taking me into a NEW thing and so long to being that girl who somehow just unleashes a TORRENT online and people are moved. Changed. WAKE up. Like woah!

Truth?

I was happy to be done with continually trying to figure it out.

With continually trying to work out why I didn’t quite feel ‘there’ yet. With continually for some reason needing to kick my own butt to get into taking action, even though once I did absolutely it FLOWED.

I was done with continually questioning why I am OH so certain when I am with clients, yet oh so FRUSTRATED about who I’m meant to be now in the whole online game.

I went from being a self-assured self-made gajillionaire, leading the space of driven women who wanted to make and impact millions being them, and helping them to DO that, to being unsure of my ever move and tired of all of it.

I was SO annoyed at how in the Christian world it was the same old coaching world game again.

Everybody spitting out the same templated stuff in the same style in the perfect little bite sized soundbite for social media and BLEUGH. A sure sign of the fact that I was obsessing over what to do or not do rather than just BEING, but when you’re in that you’re sometimes just in it! And OH I was in it. I felt like I’d rather eat my own vomit then be part of it, part of ANY of it, and I just couldn’t seem to find my feet in who I thought GOD wanted me to be and so I just assumed …

NOT THIS WORLD ANYMORE, AND YAY.

Many of my clients,

I know,

wrestle all too often with feeling the same.

I was THRILLED to think God is taking me out of the cesspool, the miry clay of platforming online, and now I can just work and walk behind the SCENES with leaders like you and that God will just cause that, whether it be through existing connections, or my church, or who knows!

“It’ll be a supernatural thing!”, I thought. “I don’t have to do ANY of this stuff anymore!”

(“But maybe I would want to do some of it,

and especially the writing bit,

so hm.

There’s that.”)

lol.

Don’t you love how God works when He works the YOU off of you?!

When He shows you that the ‘supernatural thing’ erm –

still includes you?

Here is what happened –

And of course it’s not always this way!

There are many things I’ve laid down in God which absolutely are not coming back. Some were a bit hard in a way at the time. Some not. Truthfully I don’t find it hard to lay down anything God asks me, no matter how uncomfortable it may be at the time, because I just think about the infinitely greater hard of not living the life God has written for me.

We are ALWAYS choosing our hard.

Nothing would be harder than knowing you chose what YOU think matters in this life in place of what God’s greater way is! Don’t you think?

But here is what happened. In this instance. For me. And I believe I am witnessing it happen right now in the lives of many of my clients, and those in my space. So it may also be relevant for you.

Turns out,

God’s original design for me did not include me not being me.

Turns out,

that that even pertains to the particular platforms or modalities or spaces I thought surely were done, and gathered plenty of evidence for myself around accordingly.

Turns out,

He is actually causing a TORRENT through the words and voice He has give me and it turns OUT,

that’s also here online,

for you.

Turns ou – !!

That when I stopped looking through the lens of what if, and what about, and also fear of doing it all in MY strength, and also ANY kind of lens of what I think everyone else is doing and how much I don’t want to be like everyone else … lol …

that in fact I can just be me.

And that that is not only enough,

but also required,

and a responsibility,

at that.

Turns out,

I’ve only said that to YOU about a million times over the past decade or two, but turns out I still needed to TRULY receive it in God’s way, timing, and flow.

Turns out,

I actually love it here!

When I stop looking around thinking about what to do.

And yes.

I’ve heard of this. Maybe even taught it once or twice.

Ha!

Turns out ALSO,

and this one is big. The biggest!

That the fact it was all tiring me.

I was frustrated.

Confused.

Sick of feeling like I couldn’t find my feet.

Was all because, despite only wanting to look to Him and be rightly led by Him, I was REALLY still looking through what I thought was true about being a leader,

a content creator,

and a voice.

Turns out,

it was just a simple case of me trying to right things so they were God aligned in my own strength,

rather than waiting on His grace.

Kinda like how when I stopped looking for a house for our recent move, so I could prepare and sell the one we just moved out of, and FULLY gave it all over to Him, knowing He WOULD rightly reveal, He did just that. Showed me the new house in a vision. I found it online and inspected it 2 hours later. GOT it 4 days later. And moved just over a week after that!

Turns OUT though,

that the silence

me waiting

me refusing to move

me leaning so far back I nearly fell off the edge of Instagram, or wherever …

was also NEEDED

for me to get to that bit

where HE

brought it back

and where I realised that OH

there’s grace for THAT.

And so my love.

My dear one.

My sister.

And friend.

I COULD WRITE FOR ANOTHER THOUSAND OR THREE OF WORDS ON THIS.

But perhaps we’ll just end here.

There’s grace for THAT.

Whatever it is you’ve been trying to figure out or make right.

There is grace for that.

Know it.

Declare it.

Wait on it.

PURSUE it.

SEEK HIM FIRST ALWAYS.

And you will see it.

Also hi,

I’m no longer making it about me.

So you can expect to see more of me.

And thank God for that.

Now don’t forget –

Life is Now. Press Play.

Kat

PS

The Leader Switch starts this week gorgeous.

Are you coming?

Do you feel the call?

This is the all in 1:1 with me thing.

The saying yes to who God MADE you to be thing.

The now we walk ALL the way over the line thing.

The He has BROUGHT you here thing.

And most of all?

The where we walk forward in what it’s now time thing.

The Leader Switch:

A dance.

A battle march.

A NOW is the time switch flick.

And a returning, finally, fully, to who you always were.

Work with me for 6 weeks personally to explode your business, brand, identity, and income FROM the place God already gave it to you to be, and completely re-activate your faith, boldness, and certainty to rip out every lie over your calling and BE THAT WOMAN YOU WERE SENT HERE TO BE, doing what you love and were born for!

Read the full download here.

And then DM me to talk + find out if it’s for you!