12 Days of Christmas Confessions – Day 3: I Think Extremely Highly of What I’m Called For, But Still Battle Imposter Syndrome

I don’t know what this series is becoming or even, fully, what it was meant to be about, but I honestly believe that what I’m writing here each day is healing which God wants to work through me.

Definitely for me!

And maybe also for you.

I’ve had so many messages in the last two days about the first two posts, so I know I’m hitting something!

Can I tell you?

I’m a little embarrassed, but mostly just irritated in a huffy sigh sort of a way that I let things get so … groomed.

Did I? I don’t even know if that’s true.

Most who read my work, and I mean you who ACTUALLY read it, and most who join my courses, say they love how point blank tell-it-like-it-is I am.

It’s true.

My giftings are my giftings, as are yours yours, and as God says they are ‘without repentance’. Meaning you got ’em no matter what you wanna do with ’em!

Obviously the PLAN though was that they flourish with the only supernatural ingredient which brings true life and that is JESUS JESUS JESUS ALL THE WAY! In and by and of Him!

The reality is I don’t have it in me NOT to be that person who says the straight up thing that needs to be said, who speaks FROM the heart and inner knowing of the woman who it’s for, who releases a living breathing thing which God put in me!

We are who we are.

And yet I feel I’ve become so … polished. Careful. Bland. Groomed by my own making into a version of a version of a version of a version of who I once once or wanted to be or thought I needed to become or am trying to be or thinking it’s time to be or I don’t even know!

Stop the figuring out Kat! I know.

It’s an awareness though, isn’t it?

We know when we’re off.

We know when we’ve started to play a game.

Dance my pretty, dance! What a good little turning wooden girl on a platform.

Makes me think of Chitty-Chitty Bang Bang, but in the end she jumped OFF that platform and did what she came to do!

It’s time for me to jump off of whatever platform I’ve been turning on without even noticing even though I absolutely did notice.

You too?

Cool … I’m pretty sure this world is past cooked for needing the raw real truth tells of the Lord and YEAH it gets to be what WE think is messy!

I built my first online business which I didn’t even know was a business, never thought about it being a business, off the back of a blog where I just said what I thought needed to be said, in the way I would have said it behind the scenes.

No edit, no filter, and definitely no conforming to careful wording or ways around fitness and fat loss for driven folks, my area of expertise and also offline business at the time.

Literally I ‘accidentally’ built that biz to 30-35k months consistently, with the highest product being $99 (The Look Great Naked Bootcamp), and I was one of the first in Aus to do online fitness.

Never heard of online marketing.

Was just born to say and share and create and sell a thing, while walking in the FIRE of truth inside of me!

It was always about the calling people deeper into who they are though, you know?

Fitness, which became biz and success mentoring, which grew and evolved in its own ways; it was all just a cover up for my core message of unapologetically walking forward in the fire God has made you to be.

Identity. Purpose. Assignment. Alignment. Yes!

One part of that no filter Kat that had people wanting to on repeat just be part of everything I did though, and this is critical, was I was also no filter about my OWN stuff.

My fitness biz Woman Incredible went next level online after I published a full raw expose of my own history with bulimia.

Back then – nearly 2 decades ago – nobody I knew had heard of being deliberately vulnerable and I had NO idea this was a smart ‘strategy’. I honestly believed everybody would leave.

I was CERTAIN.

Who would want to follow a self-proclaimed Female Fat Loss Queen who had battled bulimia and body-loathed for 15+ years?!

I wrote that first piece as a ‘I can’t keep not talking about this and goodbye’ piece. Because I couldn’t handle the shame I felt when high-performing woman after woman came to me and told me about their eating disorder stuff, and said things like “I just wish you could understand”.

People assumed I was perfect.

Or something close to it.

I wasn’t trying to come across perfect, not actively at least, I just … wasn’t exactly wanting to air my laundry all over town! I wanted that past dead and buried. If I was honest I was scared about it coming back again. (Post-script on that: I learned and aligned my way out of it however it wasn’t til Jesus delivered me of the SPIRIT behind it that I fully became free as opposed to more so … determined and careful).

When I did write that first post on bulimia though, it because in my spirit I knew I HAD to. I had to speak truth to these women and talk about the reality of why us women so often hurt ourselves in response to a misaligned life, a misaligned anchoring of truth, I closed my laptop that day KNOWING:

I’m done.

And instead of everyone running screaming for the hills that I wasn’t a perfect leader and coach?

My email inbox (this was pre even social media days for me!) blew up.

People were SO thankful.

And I could finally breathe again.

I also learned something that landed real deep right then about the fact that some of us are TRULY just called to say the thing even when it is scary, confronting, and we don’t know how.

Gorgeous –

I feel like I haven’t been able to breathe for so much of this year, and longer.

In the times when I am in community with the women and men I run with in my church oh I can BREATHE, I breathe FIRE FIRE FIRE the fire of the Lord and I KNOW I am where I am meant to be.

I see the vision.
I BELIEVE it.
And I give the how to God and WOAH! He has started making moves, probably a long time before I noticed ’em, to position me in ways I could NEVER.

I am so grateful for the training ground my church is, and the leaders and family God has brought into my life to shape me outside of my industry, and mostly in private or semi-private. Whew I needed that! Pray right now for the right mentors and disciples and fam in Christ in your own local area!

Now here is what else –

I believe the plans for my life are insanely huge, wild, beyond anything I’ve ever articulated myself!

Yet in my public facing online world I have become stilted.

So often thinking thinking thinking about who I am. Who God wants me to be. Who you expect me to be. Or (vomit) what will work.

It has snuck up on me.

I say public facing because with clients and in courses my true fire comes out, but even then I would say there’s been a brakes on vibe because I’ve held my back quite often out of tiredness of trying to be.

I find myself torn between two worlds:

I know I am born to speak in stadiums.
Write books which go out to millions.
Mentor and counsel leaders, governors, kings and rulers.
And breathe a Holy Spirit fire which shapes the atmosphere for His glory and causes a BREAKING and WAKING in those who are meant to hear it.

In the Spirit I do not question this, and I also know God will cause the unfolding and He has already begun to.

In my soul though, my own mind and will and emotion, and the online sphere, I have allowed myself to be pushed and pulled every which way.

Like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind.

Do you know what the word of God says about this?

It is NOT pretty. Except it is amazing because just … trust and let God faster and YEWWWWW! Let’s go!

James 1:6-8

“But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind.

For let not that man suppose that he will receive ANYTHING from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.”

A double-minded Kat, unstable in all her ways in how she shows up ONLINE, should not expect ANYTHING from the Lord!

Well I can tell you that by the grace and mercy of God I receive PLENTY from the Lord and miracles on repeat so I guess I’m not unstable in ALL my ways, but I KNOW I am in some of ’em.

I also know.
As is true with each of us.
That everything I’m talking about here is part of the process of alignment.

We think we are off course!

But God says He turns all things to good for those who are righteous and who love Him. (Romans 8:28).

He’s just re-routing baby!

Here is where I want to be re-routed to and I believe He HAS already re-routed me here, it sure didn’t come through me leaning on my own understanding, but because I DO trust Him to adjust me He has done and now He is blessing and establishing me!

Lotta scriptural backing in that paragraph if you wanna go find it.

Re-routing time:

1) I believe I am meant to speak to and write to millions, through books, probably a podcast / YouTube show but that feels very secondary in general; a by-product, and through being asked to speak on stages which GOD puts me on which will just lead to … wherever He leads.

2) I also believe I am meant to, through the ministry of my business, steward vast amounts of financial wealth, but I know with CERTAINTY it is not for me to be concerning myself with either the how of that or the making happen of that.

3) I ALSO also know that in this area as in any, however, it IS for me to agree with fervour and faith and not try to DIAL BACK THE VISION GOD GAVE ME to make it suit my own fears or others ideas. Amen? Amen!

4) I know I cannot. Will not. Just am not going to. Be able to keep on showing up in any way for you, my beautiful online community, both those who have walked with me for years and years and those just joining, without having the filter completely removed again.

Praise God I mean supernatural surgery and not something I need to do.

5) The how of all of that, actually, is simple.

I have started praying each day for the Lord to bless the work of my hands, cause it to prosper and have His intended effect, for every word from my lips to be fire HE put in there and for it to go out and have it’s right effect BAM to shape and wake others.

Also for Him to bless my social media and let it be of Him, since that’s been quite the sticky thinking point area for me!

6) Finally, I remembered to come back to just believing God.

Yes God you will re-route me and you already are.

Yes Lord you are the one who is causing right desire, right vision, right outlook, right steps, right unfolding.

Yes Lord you are building the house and your temple in and through me!

And yes Lord EVERYTHING you do and created, every day you wrote for me, is a day of the success and greatness and joy of you!

My confession today was meant to be about how highly I actually think of what I’m here for, and how that makes me squirm or want to hide or deny it at times, worrying about what people will think, how they’ll judge me, or just the whole ‘what if I’m wrong and made it up’ thing.

But I think as I wrote this God had something a little different to bring through. So just know if you struggle with imposter syndrome you are not alone and I do too.

Let’s say yes to God’s re-routing together!

So those are my thoughts for today.

How ’bout you?

Kat

PS

Sister I think to para-quote John Bevere I am writing myself happy over here! And for the first time in a while with my whole ‘who on earth am I meant to be now online God’ thang?

I feel like I can breathe.