I had nothing to write today, was not going to, was stuck in an ‘I can’t’ mode of feeling just the impending … doom. The doom of writing in order to be. The doom of showing up because I should. The doom of once again jumping through a hoop, even a little bit, and so you know what? Come try me; I’ll sit right here and not move!
Ha. There really is something very special about being so certain you are carrying something which HAS to come out yet equally so certain you can not and will not let it out unless it is, well … it.
Today is my journaling conversation with God. It’s what I am meant to share. I’m typing it out now from my journal where I started it just to sit with Him and BE, quite certain I had nothing to say to YOU.
I trust it meets you where you need to be met.
Also if you are new here, hi! I’m so glad you are.
Lord teach me how to be with you.
”I’m right here.”
Yes I know. So why do I feel like it’s something I need to achieve, being with you; something I need to get to?
Why does everything feel performative?
”Go quiet my child. What was it before it was?”
Writing. Dreaming. Journaling. Being. Creating came from that, and was just for its own process.
I was not answering to ideas of who I thought I needed to be.
I’ve done that now for so many years. It crept up on me. It BECAME me. And I find I no longer can …
I feel as though I have nothing to say yet so much to let out, and it’s so frustrating!
”And what do you want it to be now? What IS it just now?”
If the people were in front of me, and my outlook was (and it is!) you, I would have something to say.
I would, for the most part, have a message.
Yet now when I think about messaging it just feels like jumping through hoops. Trying to be. Trying to GET some place, maintain some place, prove my place or why you should be in my space, and I just … hate it.
I can’t and I WON’T.
It feels empty.
“It feels empty my child because you are coming UP with a thing.
Somewhere along the way you learned you have a message always. And then you made it that you must and can and should have a message ALWAYS.
Calling became expectation became performance became identity but the lens was wrong.
You knew it the whole time, it’s just that now you have broken ties with that you are no longer able to do it, yet the WIRING is still there.
It’s not true that you now have nothing to say and find you just ‘can’t’. It’s that you absolutely don’t have to and should not produce, yet when you sit in the being something will come.
And it always does.
But you cannot go looking for it.
Also you do not HAVE to have or release it.
When you sit in the space,
Waiting,
Knowing,
Yet yield,
What I give you will come and you can just … release it.
OR NOT. But you will know when you MUST.”
God how do I just let it flow that way though, without putting performance, production, output, and ‘is it working’ back on?
“Blinders on.
Eyes on me.
Eyes closed.
Release what you see.
And then BE ON YOUR WAY.
As you have always done when it’s truly you.”
What about the part of me that still wants to know ‘am I doing it right; am I being her right; am I getting some place?
SHE wants to take everything real and turn it into performance and growth!
“Do you see the groundswell behind you in the spirit my child, as you look forward at who I am calling you to be; who you ARE?
Do you see the wave which grows and flows in your wake as you simply be my voice?
This is how it’s always been and how you want it! How I designed you to want it!
The ‘she’ who you talk about is fear and distraction and what if and how ‘bout led.
She is derailed by others expectations and ideas of them.
She thinks ‘but it can’t be that simple!’
Yet I MADE it to be that simple for you.
Eyes on.
Blinders on.
Catch the beat.
Say the thing.
WALK FORWARD AND WHAT IS MEANT TO BUILD WILL BUILD IN YOUR WAKE.
Haven’t I told you I will send the right people?
I will.
You be YOU, and let me worry about the details and how, and leading them to be them.
Be the voice Kat!
Be the voice Kat!
And let my Kingdom come through the work of your hands I have given you, which is to BE THE VOICE not BUILD the voice.”
And Lord how do I just stay with and let it be only this, until it is all of this, rather than deviating back into what I think I need to produce or do?
Don’t forget –
Life is Now. Press Play.
Kat
