Are we enjoying this series?
I know I’m enjoying writing it, but better even still I am walking TALLER writing it.
I am becoming, again, who I am.
You do know. Yes? That the work you’re called to do will by definition walk YOU forward into alignment and the path of right destiny?
So often the very thing we wish we ‘had’ or could ’embody’ is already right there for and in us, in the place where we simply take that breath of faith and say yes.
If we are in Jesus everything in Him is always right there in US, and we just need to believe and say yes! This means EVERY good thing there is for us!
I want to remind you today that there is a yes for YOU to answer in the work you are called to. And that sometimes the only way forward is THROUGH whatever messy ‘sorting out’ you wish you were on the other side of.
So with that …
Let the public journal /confessional continue!
I know.
Have always known.
Since before I even knew to know.
That the pure oil which I am here to pour out and be a vessel of, the kind which replenishes, heals, causes a flow-on receiving of what IS there for you to receive, the kind which commands and shifts the atmosphere, the kind which just CAUSES right focus and action, the kind I have been oh so known for over the years even when there was a wrong spirit behind it because it’s a gift from God and you can’t MISS that –
Is also the oil which can only stir.
Drip.
And then pour out like a gushing river, like a roaring flood, like a tidal wave, heaven’s assignment in the words of my mouth, WHEN I FIRST SIT IN THE PURE PURE FIRE UNTIL THERE IS NONE OF MY FLESH LEFT TO TRY AND MAKE ITSELF INTO A THING AND ONLY,
ONLY,
HIM.
And yet.
So often.
Even before I understand this as the only Holy Spirit led and breathed thing it is meant to be, and thought it was about finding ‘my own flow’ and ‘dropping in’ (but to what, and which spirit?!), I have instead just TURNED IT ON.
I have performed.
I have preened.
And I have poured out something which sounds good, great even, is good, great even, certainly comes from expertise and a desire to be of service and create incredible work in the world but yet in the end?
Was a by-product of a life of jumping through hoops in order to prove my right to be.
Oh, not always! If you know me you know there has been so much TRUE flow!
But the true flow also takes time to build, to be polished in that river, and should not be turned into day in and day out production type of a thing.
It’s very easy of course to convince ourselves we’re not doing that, and that is what I always did. “This is me; it’s who I am!”
The answer is simple and is always just PRESENCE and don’t come out til you left performer YOU behind, but oh my word so often it truly instead has been a default to just dance little darling, dance …
Ah, the hoops of performance and the gnarly twisted and always perverted from God’s original design path they will take us down if we don’t call STOP, and simply refuse.
Refuse to negotiate with the terrorists of ‘should’ and ‘must’ and ‘have to’.
Of ‘you’ll never’, and ‘you’ll always’, and ‘people probably think’, and ‘people are going to think!’.
Or whatever else it is for you.
For me the hoops started with being a high high achiever from birth, born with a gift of leadership, intellectually gifted, the weight of anointing of generations past a blessing yet one which did in fact WEIGH.
It took me a few decades (or 4!) to realise it’s not for me to carry being who I am but instead to believe that I AM because God IS.
Perfectionism.
Performance.
Being ‘the top’.
And yet always knowing there’s another rung to climb if you want to, and why wouldn’t you want to, because even if you were ‘the best’, couldn’t you be … better?!
There is so much here.
For every good gift from God, every high standard we can’t possibly meet outside of His grace yet which BY Him we become, there is a counterfeit which says STRIVE STRIVE STRIVE, THEN STRIVE SOME MORE BUT BABE YOU’LL STILL NOT BE THERE.
The devil – the world – and OH yeah I’m looking at the world of female entrepreneurialism and leadership both in business and ministry – so easily makes this SEDUCTIVE, sexy, even fun!
Be the one who can’t stop never stops!
Who does what it takes til it takes!
Who spins the world on its heels before breakfast and then keeps going!
Who wakes up and PRESSES FREAKING PLAY EVERY DAY, ALL THE WAY, ALL WHILE BEING HOT, RICH, FIT, AUGH!
It was me.
Hi, it was me.
And before you get all glum you high performer you who knows you WERE born for all of the vision that’s inside of you let me be clear and say YES YES YES the vision is for you and you probably need to dial it up!
Also some of us just ARE the one tasked to steward much, carry much, and we carry multiple gifts which are responsibility and ASSIGNMENT.
But it is not.
Was not.
Will not.
EVER.
Be something that was meant to be on or by us.
The beauty and the garment of praise God has for you to wear and live from is it is HIS strength, grace, power, flowing THROUGH you which will cause PURE BURNING BRILLIANCE AND THE FIRE WHICH CAN’T BE PUT OUT TO COME OUT OF YOU.
Are you listening to me?
Is this FOR you?
YES!
But when we do it ourselves.
And when we try to keep up.
And when we have a performance outlook and a burden of shame and striving and self-sufficiency which the devil LOVES, because hey, the number of HIM is the number of MAN and it’s all about ME.
We are never done.
Never there.
And even as the world screams yasssss Queen, you go girl, look at you doing it all and you’re doing it with BELLS on (’cause we do), we know.
This.
Ain’t.
It.
Whether it manifests as physical illness, emotional or mental, an absolute breakdown in other areas of your life, or just the perpetual ringing of the truth inside of you which says this is not true FLOW, we know.
But if we don’t look to God.
If we don’t say BURN FLESH BURN at the foot of the cross where you belong.
We will continue to turn.it.on.
People will love it, because, you know … it’s us! They will also EXPECT it PS, and respond to identity you are showing so just watch out if that’s not the one that’s rightly planted, because you KNOW if God didn’t build it it’s in vain and gonna EXHAUST in the end and also just be …. dead work.
The thing is that even with the acclaim and accolade and ‘product’ of all efforts we will be … confused. Disheartened. Worried. And spent. Because we KNOW we are called, yet why is the call costing us our very BEING and why is it that despite all the action TO be we still,
somehow,
are not?
I get scared.
I have let myself get scared.
So often.
That if I stop.
If I pause.
If I miss a beat.
I will lose identity.
Dance little girl, dance, and look – ! You missed a hoop! So jump through it real quick, but hey you could also build 10 more hoops while you’re hopping through that one and NEVER MIND YOU KNOW THIS IS NOT QUITE IT.
My love.
If it is not quite it, it is not it.
It may look the same, sound the same, in many ways.
The message can be good, great, amazing.
The work can help. Bring healing and truth to others even!
But YOU will know if it’s coming at a cost you can’t pay because it’s not your cost TO pay and Christ already did!
Wheewwwwwww Lord let it be that we sit in your pure pure fire until we burn burn burn, until every last part of who WE are that we have tried to give structure to crumbles, until we are like dripping rags soaked in your oil and LIT ON FIRE FROM THE HEAVENS WITH YOUR FIRE WHICH CAN’T BE PUT OUT, and THEN –
let us breathe speak dance and flow with it out of our mouths, through our fingertips, through the work of our hands which is UNDENIABLY YOU,
and only you.
That is my prayer for myself.
And for you.
And here is what I know.
I can’t.
You can’t.
With all the very best intent in the world.
DO this.
Without insisting on PRESENCE.
And being disciplined to ONLY strive if it is striving to enter in to His rest and the place where He IS, which also?
Is where we become.
The default of your flesh will always be to be flesh.
The default of Kat will always be to simply … produce and perform.
Because I can.
Because I want to.
Because I’m pretty epic at it.
And because I think “oh! But this is good, let me just do it! Let me run and run and run and run and I WANT to run, I was BORN to run, but WHY,
am I tired?”
Love. Stop trying to figure it out.
Stop trying to get there.
Stop trying to opt YOURSELF out of whichever default patterns are oh so well intentioned yet ultimately just spin you in circles and even if the WHOLE entire world loves those circles you.still.aren’t.THERE, and go –
to the place where you are.
The place where He is.
And where the pure fire,
burns and won’t stop.
His ways are higher gorg.
So just remember, every time you try once more to stoke a fire He never actually lit and is not at the heart of.
That in doing so you are denying the true all the way supernatural thing you came here to carry,
and be.
That is all.
That is all.
Amen.
Kat
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