Why did I stop?

I stopped because it was too hard to keep trying to carry.

I stopped because I was so sick, literally, with trying to figure it out.

I stopped because I hated always feeling like I SHOULD.

I stopped because I don’t wanna show up from performance, and I felt like I was slipping away from just knowing how to BE; becoming ever more a puppet dancing to a tune of what I thought it MEANT to be me.

I stopped because I thought it was God’s leading, and in many ways, for many times, it was.

I stopped because I knew I was off track, and I knew I wasn’t doing what was actually needed to possibly BE back on track, so I’d best just wait on that.

I stopped because for some reason, even though I knew what I needed (presence presence presence and I mean GOD’S), I just kept … not. Because I was busy. Tired. Distracted. And fighting, so often, for the flourishing of a life I just couldn’t quite seem to pin down the clarity of ANYWAY.

I stopped because I wondered if maybe I was really done. And maybe that was the ‘revelation’ God had been waiting on me to get. And so maybe that was exciting! Which if I’m honest, for a minute or three, it was!

I stopped for a myriad of reasons, and I wouldn’t change most of them, because thank JESUS for the learning, the growth, the renewal, the surrender, and also, seriously, the long service leave from a couple decades of publicly being SOME kind of version of me.

But in the end, this is why I returned, am returning, am always returning, again:

Because the call didn’t go away, and I knew it wouldn’t and won’t.

And because I decided once more with a simple exhale of release to just … answer it.

Not because I know all the details.
Or the next steps.
Or every bit of the fullness of the vision.
And I definitely don’t know the how!

But because I do know how to take the one next step at my feet right now.

And in Him I know how to do ALL things He has placed in front of me and in my hands so really it was just a simple mater of once again … saying yes.

Is it exhausting, overwhelming, more than I want to have to deal with, figure out, or carry, let alone DO, if I look through the lens of ME?

Absofreakinglutely.

So once again I just … don’t do that.

And so here I am once more.

And by the grace of God, here I will continue to be.

Praise Jesus.
Praise Jesus.
Praise Jesus.

Amen.