I frequently do not feel motivated. I frequently question my work.

The Holy Spirit had me up during the night, tossing and turning about I don’t know what, praying protection over the kids and the house and myself with a sudden urgency, and then falling back into a strange dreamland where all sorts of things transpired and nothing much made sense … yet … I trust He will return to me whatever I need to know as and when I need to know it if there IS a message for me to receive … and then an hour or two later, late enough by then that it was early enough to get up, I clearly sensed Him saying –

“You SHOULD be expecting an outpouring.”

I think this was a follow on to a comment I’d read in my membership group The Secret Garden, when I was flicking around online between praying and reading at 3am.

One of my clients had shared how deeply and profoundly my latest free livestream had impacted her, so much so that she had tears streaming in watching it and said it was more transformational than any number of entire business courses she’d invested in previously. This is a woman who knows a thing or two about business and who just celebrated her first 100k month in The Secret Garden last month, so this was not a ‘for nothing’ comment. Not that I take any comments with heart in them as ‘for nothing’.

But the accolades weren’t the part of what she wrote which broke me in a small way. It was when she mentioned that at around the 18 minute mark you could feel the Holy Spirit anointing take over, and it just went WHOOSH.

Can I tell you something?

I frequently do not feel motivated.

I frequently question my work.

This year in particular I have had more moments of feeling like I know nothing and am capable of nothing than ever before.

My old has been dying piece by piece and sometimes it hurts so much. Sometimes I feel like I am in a valley which will never end. Other times I am lit on fire with joy and exhilaration of the kind which can only be experienced in God! There’s times I am on fire with certainty about Gods promises to me, or from something His Spirit illuminated for me, or from a prophetic word or insight received, or just from the knowledge of who God IS and the freedom I now HAVE, since going all in and ACTUALLY laying myself down for Him as opposed to whatever I thought I was doing before … HEADED TO HELL IN A HAND BASKET BUT CALLED MYSELF CHRISTIAN IS MY PERSONAL OPINION ON THAT …

and sometimes I am certain of precisely NOTHING.
Except that I would not even consider trying to be any other place than where God is putting me right now. Wherever and whatever THAT is, ’cause I got no clue half the time and yep the other half the time I feel I could tell you down to the dot point!

If you’ve ever been through a period of complete renewal and stripping off by God … and I pray you have, because if not it’s a CERT you have been only in your own will and way …

you know what I’m talking about.

So when I tell you I FREQUENTLY have no clue what I am talking about, do not REMOTELY feel like ‘showing up’, or just feel as though I’m so not on somebody is going to pop up out of nowhere any minute and write SO OFF on my forehead …

I trust you believe me.

That particular live was like wading through pig swill for the first 15 minutes.

Well, 18 minutes, apparently. I was painfully aware of how awkward and just not in flow I felt. And was sure I sounded. I wanted to just QUIT it, and delete the recording. I certainly didn’t think I’d be suggesting people watch the thing afterwards, even though my precise intention in starting WAS that people should watch the thing afterwards, on repeat. Hence why I titled it the same as my new course name. I wanted it to be what it became. But that first bit? I was CONVINCED it was a dud.

What is relevant to understand here, in addition to whatever else you’ve taken from this angsty ramble, is that I have felt EXACTLY THIS WAY A REALLY HIGH PERCENTAGE OF THE TIME FOR MY ENTIRE ONLINE JOURNEY.

If I deleted every piece of content I’ve made from a place of not feeling it I wouldn’t have a business. You wouldn’t be reading this. You wouldn’t know me. I would not have created and definitely not sold hundreds and HUNDREDS of course. I would not be one of the most well known women in female leadership online in the world.

I am here, and YOU are here with me, plain and simple because I learned a long time ago to EXPECT AN OUTPOURING. I learned that when you show up consistently for the message … the message shows up for you.

It’s not about romance.
It’s not about the ‘muse’.
It’s not about glamour.
It’s DEFINITELY not about feeling it, being carried away with desire to pour forth the things.

All of these things, and the glitz and glamour of sitting in a hotel bar writing, Campari on ice by your side as I am now … although since we’re being honest I’m kind of lonely in this very moment even though I consciously chose to come here alone for 2 days to write … absolutely can show up. Often do. But DEPEND on these or any other states of being in order to be able to do your work, your writing, your showing up, your art?

If you did that you wouldn’t be a writer, would you?

Or whatever the equivalent is for you.

When the Holy Spirit told me this morning in those wee hours that I should be EXPECTING an outpouring, it wasn’t just for me. It was more – “tell them they should be EXPECTING an outpouring”.

So here I am telling you: you should be expecting an outpouring.

And reminding myself AND you:

That sure as all get out ain’t gonna happen if you continue to be the person who refuses to show up because she doesn’t yet know what she is going to say or do.

THAT, my dear –

never had anything to do with anything.

So stop making it a driver of your ENTIRE FREAKING DESTINY.

And don’t forget –

Life is Now. Press Play.

Kat