I got a new car this weekend, I’ve had it less than 48 hours as I write this, and the dominant thing I notice I feel about it?
Slightly uncomfortable.
I’m processing this with consideration of the fact that I have to watch out these days not to judge anything in my life or self that could look like success, thinking ‘too much’ of myself, trying to act like I’m special or different, etcetera.
There’s a line … and the line, of course, is always, RUN into the arms of the Father and let the Spirit of Jesus lead your decisions and thoughts about yourself as well as everything else, but let’s talk about the human side for a minute!
The car is epic by the way. It’s not a luxury car like the old Kat ONLY had to have, considered CRITICAL to her identity, was ‘unavailable’ to NOT have, but it’s also not a cheap or mid-range car.
It was a decent chunk of change, it’s brand new, and it also came with a 15-month wait period because it’s a very in demand car which you can’t just roll up to a dealer and buy.
It’s also a smart long-term investment, being a car which will last for decades if I wanted it to and hold its value.
So all in all … it’s nice, it’s roomy, and it’s a praise God moment to finally have a car big enough for my kids plus more plus all the things! I’ve been driving a convertible the last 18 months since I sold the G Wagon I was rolling around in like every Gold Coast baller. The convertible was my second car. AMG Mercedes, of course.
This was who I was.
This was part of who I decided to BE.
The cars were one of many representations which told the world “I’m important. I’m special. I’m successful. I’m SOMEBODY”.
Really it was all a decade long fight to prove I’m allowed to even exist. “Look world, I matter! I get to be here! LOOK AT ME!”
IDENTITY is a funny thing, isn’t it …? In fact it is the most dangerous thing we can set our own hand to, or in any way not have firmly fixed in Jesus.
Let’s not look only at one side of the pendulum though, I also wanted a Mercedes convertible since I was about 15, and there was a girlish joy in the fact that eventually I got one, plus ALL the Merc’s I ended up owning were just super fun and cool cars to drive.
ALSO CHRISTIAN’S CAN DRIVE A MERCEDES TOO, AND STILL BE ON FIRE FOR THE LORD. Or any car.
So don’t read what I’m not saying.
Because it’s never about what is theoretically possible, allowed, or in the will of God, it’s about what is He showing me, just me personally, not every other child of His out there, but ME, about this situation?
And what that is this morning in my musing’s is this:
I feel a little uncomfortable with the new car because I’m wondering why I thought it essential to have basically the biggest and most hard to come by yet not FULL designer brand car on the market and now?
I gotta drive this thing and see if it actually sits right in my spirit to be my car.
You’re welcome to leave anytime if you think I’m being dramatic, or thinking too deeply about any of this! Maybe I’m saying that because I’m wondering if I am 😉
I really wonder though –
If I would have decided THIS month, or even a few months ago, on a new car choice, would I have chosen this?
Because here’s what I’m noticing –
The me even 15 months ago, 2 years at the time into her return to Christ, still wanted to make sure she stood out and wasn’t like the average person, or the average Mum.
I cringed at the idea of driving an everyday vehicle. Even though this one is probably still exactly that in plenty of Aussie’s eyes.
It took me ages to decide which car I should buy. Eventually I chose this one because it IS a bit special and says something about identity. AND I chose it because it’s practical, a great off roader, epic for road trips or camping, etcetera. And actually I only ordered new because buying second hand turned out to be about 90% of the cost of new! So the practical considerations were definitely there.
There’s endless reasons why it’s a great buy. Yet I could easily have picked something up for a third of the price that had the space, even if not all the extra features and functionality.
I think this is what God is showing me right now:
There’s nothing WRONG with choosing this car, or driving it. Yet there is also a REALITY I’m seeing which is that I allowed the purchase of this car early last year to be even in part rooted in who I felt I needed to be, to be enough.
I don’t feel uncomfortable because I’m a woman driving a huge vehicle again (less common in Aus than in the States for my US folks, although not super uncommon I guess)), I also don’t feel uncomfortable because of the cost; it genuinely is a great investment.
I feel uncomfortable because of the place within me I chose it from, and because, plain and simple, that place wasn’t Jesus.
It was “okay, I don’t need to be the full luxury car girl anymore but I still gotta be SOMEBODY a bit different”.
Here’s the thing:
God made each of us in His image, yet each of us COMPLETELY unique.
There is literally nobody out there who can fulfil the role on this earth of you being fully you, the way God designed you to be.
NOBODY can show up in the marketplace, in ministry, in serving others, in being on the frontlines as the fiery voice and vessel for the Lord, the way YOU are meant to. Nobody!
The truth is I AM different.
I AM one of a kind.
I DO have something nobody else has.
I DO have gifts and ways of using those gifts which are unique to me!
THAT’S HOW GOD WROTE IT.
For each of us.
And we HAVE to get to a place of recognising that every part of our true identity and destiny comes from Him, and is also designed to be FOR Him, and for His glory.
We can’t get to that place ourselves. Only the Spirit of God can get us there, by the sanctification of our soul by Jesus!
But here is what else –
God also gave us unique tastes, imagination, creative output, and desires and needs which ARE planted in Him.
I REALLY don’t like ice-cream. It’s just not my thing.
Super floaty dresses? Also not for me.
I LOVE cargo pants. I LOVE strong black coffee. I LOVE antique furniture and teacups as a huge part of my at home aesthetic. I HATE a minimalist look in the house, or in a hotel. Boring!
What am I trying to say about the car, well I’m trying to say the car is really fine one way or the other. Like I said before, it’s the place it came from that needs to be uprooted.
So that’s what I’m going to do.
Repentance. Gratitude to God for fresh revelation. Submitting myself AND the car afresh to Him. And then we will just see what He does!
But meanwhile I gotta admit, I am super happy to not have to drive that convertible with 3 kids jammed in plus all our luggage for a coast to coast trip we’re doing in a few weeks. Ha!
God is good all the time.
And you know what else He showed me in all of this?
One of the kickbacks of having obsessively pursued my own desires and sense of identity for years before handing it over to God is that, as I alluded to at the start, I absolutely do get scared or ‘gun-shy’ of ANYTHING which even a little bit feels like it could represent the old.
It’s the same reason I stopped wearing bright colours and letting my fierce voice out for a while! The devil will EQUALLY come to rob you of identity flourishing in God by shaming you for in any way being who you ACTUALLY are as what he will tempt you to be who the world says you should be!
Either way is a counterfeit.
My word. Thank goodness we have the Holy Spirit, or all of this would just be confusing and contradictory!
I have no idea whether this blog was ANY help at all.
But it helped me, and sometimes that’s the point of letting out the message God put inside of us.
Not trying to be perfect or polished in our sharings to others, but simply WALKING together and saying ‘hey. This is what God’s showing me’.
What’s He showing you?
Now don’t forget –
Life is Now. Press Play.
Kat
PS
Just quietly, Conscripted to the Kingdom is here.
Just quietly this is … BIG. A BIG release. For me. And for you!
Just quietly … I’d go and check it out 🙂
https://katrinaruthministries.com/conscriptedtothekingdom
Oh and also, slightly less quietly?
I went live on the weekend, and I’m going to keep going over on IG.
Saturday’s live on returning to what it was before it was here: https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXRKM0Mlby8/?igsh=MTY0ZHVzOHVwd3poYQ==
