Somebody asked me today how I knew it was God working through me all along.
It was a comment on my post about how I was WRONG all those years saying I was soul-led. I was teaching spirit-led. And saying soul. I’d mentioned about God CONVICTING me, and how I’d basically fallen down the slippery-dip of ALL.THINGS.HIM.FOREVER.AMEN. very soon after, and I’d referenced that I know God was working in me the whole time. Even using my business to bring me back to Him.
“What reminded you it was God working through you all along?”, she asked.
Here is what I said. And then I want to expand on this. Because as soon as I answered the comment I knew it was what I needed to write about today. Seeing as how only 3 seconds before I read the comment I’d yawn-prayed to God after my nap and asking him to show me what I was going to write about today! (PS I don’t always do this. My spirit has its own great ideas too. But a STRAIGHT God idea is always a yes!)
“I always knew. I just wasn’t willing or ready to fully listen. I had some fear and trust issues. I didn’t understand the instantaneous freedom in God I would experience when I chose to let Him convict me, even though I grew up Christian. I could talk for hours about this. But yeah … I always knew I would in the end. And eventually I stopped playing with my destiny like I wasn’t going to one day run out of time.”
OOF. Right as I wrote that last sentence I knew – yep yep yep. This is what I have to write about today.
It’s a crazy thing, isn’t it? The idea that as humans we could consciously and wilfully PUT AT RISK OUR ENTIRE LIFE AND ALL THE THINGS THAT WERE WRITTEN FOR US, NEVER MIND OUR ETERNAL DESTINY and yet …
just keep choosing that.
Day in and day out essentially shrugging our shoulders and saying “meh. Not today God”.
Now I know that some people don’t have God actively knocking louder and louder at the door of their hearts like I did, and like basically MOST people who read this have experienced. Well – did they? Or were they just not listening / able to listen? Who can say. Either way –
I get that not everybody is walking around knowing they’re ignoring God.
But I was.
I CAN’T BELIEVE I CAN’T BELIEVE I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT THIS IS TRUE. And that I chose it for YEARS.
For years I chose that even if I wasn’t actively turning AWAY as such … at least in my own mind … I sure wasn’t turning IN.
– Because I was scared still that I’m not good enough and can’t keep up, and the message of God’s grace never had quite got through to me.
– Because I felt like it was too hard and endless and I didn’t know the INFINITE ease, flow, freedom, JOY that exists in God and I also didn’t understand the power and EM-powerment of the Holy Spirit, despite my very Christian and very wonderful upbringing.
– Because I didn’t want to give up sex and frankly did not see how this could be humanly possible. (Hint: it’s not HUMANLY possible).
– Because the enemy had lied to me for years, had daily come to kill and destroy my destiny and identity in God in every way he could figure to do, I had no idea of my legal rights in God nor how to stand on them, abuse and various other things coupled with my own choices had created all sorts of gateways and doorways for the demonic, I was HEAVILY oppressed spiritually without realising it at all really, I was clouded emotionally and also physically, under chronic anxiety, glandular fever, and exhaustion for years, drowning while keeping my head just above water in my personal life, and so so ALMOST fully bought in on the idea that actually,
Maybe,
I wasn’t really worth anything at all,
and so it was just … where to even start?
Despite all this, I never chose out of christianity. I never stopped believing in God. I never turned my back on Him. I never stopped reaching out on and off again, in later years bit by bit more on, but still walking in my own will and ways and honestly NO idea how far I’d fallen even though I kinda knew.
About 5 years ago I flipped a switch to return fully to church. Grew community and deep beautiful friendships here on the Gold Coast through that. Became a part of a different family. Participated. Showed up. SOUGHT. Realised I couldn’t not at least give my kids the CHANCE to know God, and that was what had propelled me back.
And meanwhile … kept showing up teaching alignment. Purpose. Truth. Destiny. Etc. In business. As the wildly successful success mindset coach and Queen of Alignment & Asskickery I’ve grown into being in that area of my life!
My work is good work. It has changed hundreds of thousands of lives. My clients are millionaires and multi-millionaires from purpose because of what I teach, and hold them to, in who they are.
My work is PHENOMENAL work.
And yet.
If I’m honest.
The whole.
Entire.
Time.
All I could hear was a beating drum, a continual ticking inside of me, a WILL not go away call, which was God, unceasingly, unfailingly, saying –
“When will you come home?”
And me, unceasingly, unfailingly, saying –
“I will God, I will. I’m coming God, I’m coming. Please wait God, please wait. Don’t leave me behind. I’m coming. But just –
not yet”.
I’m sobbing now as I write this, because what I nearly cost not just my self, but my children, my legacy, my destiny, and also … the millions who I know will be won for Gods Kingdom through how He uses me now … I can’t even breathe when I think about.
AND THE DEVIL IS SUCH A LIAR. I BELIEVED I couldn’t come back to God yet. I BELIEVED I wasn’t capable. Well, this is true!! But I just didn’t GET that it’s just … hand it over to Him. Even the bit about how to hand it over to Him, you hand over!
I believed it was real that today could not be the day.
And I would coach and teach and write and speak about God, He was always there with me, but I wasn’t trusting Him. Choosing Him. Or really even knowing Him. Even though, at the same time as all of THIS, I knew that EVERYTHING I was doing was ultimately about God, and would be.
Can I tell you that even 8-10 years ago when I first started to get dragged over the coals on the internet, because I was leading the revolution of ‘people who say and do what they think and don’t apologise for it’, and I would get CRAZY attacked, I would think:
This is all preparation for when I am fighting for Gods kingdom. God is building and preparing me. This is because I am going to be in spiritual warfare. And I’m being readied.
I always knew.
I always knew.
I always knew.
I knew it since I was 8 years old, standing in Waverley Christian Fellowship down in Melbourne and singing my favourite church song at the time “I have a destiny”.
“I have a destiny, in that city on the hill.
I have a destiny, I know I shall fulfil”.
Everything I ever taught to anyone about saying yes to who you really are, knowing that you were born for a reason, that at some point you MUST give in to who you came here to be, you MUST give your life for what your life was given to you for, YOU HAVE A DESTINY …
was my spirit SCREAMING at me to give in to who I was meant to be.
And the whole time, whatever I said to you my silent prayer was – you need to find God. You need to find God. You need to find God. Pah, business and money; that’s easy. THIS PURPOSE AND TRUTH TALK IS ABOUT GOD.
I knew who I was in God since before I can even remember.
I knew I’d turn fully to Him.
I knew the reason I’ve still never done major events of my own, or brought books to market in a ‘sells millions’ way despite my 60 odd books on Amazon which do their thing, is it’s because that comes after I submit to God.
I knew I was running. Running. Running.
AND RUNNING OUT OF TIME.
For over a decade I’ve told you “just because you have a destiny, doesn’t mean you will ever fulfil it”. This is one of my most famous quotes.
I was a fraud saying it. Because I believed every bit of it. Yet I wasn’t saying yes to mine. And I was doing exactly what I told everyone else never to do which was believe it wasn’t possible now. All the while ‘pressing play’ in business and life!
But not in God.
Oh man.
Well, the voice got louder. And the truth is … I WAS seeking Him the whole time. Coming to God is not always in a heartbeat, that’s reality. I started backsliding in my teens. I started coming back, I don’t know … too many times to remember in my thirties. I came back in body and mind, drawn by my spirit but not surrendered, 5 years ago. And I came to God a million times asking Him to help me. Show me. I cried out to God. I prayed. I sought Him. And I guess I just thought … one day I’ll be disciplined enough to do this whole God thing ‘better’. I’ll figure it out. Please. Please. Please. But how? And no. Not now.
THE DEVIL IS A LIAR. HE IS HERE RIGHT NOW TRYING TO ROB, KILL, DESTROY YOU. Is it working?
In my most raw moments I would have the terrifying realisation –
You are dangling your destiny over a precipice Kat, and one day it might be too late. You might fall over. You could die. You could leave this your whole life. JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A DESTINY DOESN’T MEAN YOU WILL EVER LIVE IT.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
BOOM.
Except –
There was no boom.
I just –
woke up.
I could tell you it was a product of all my gradual prayers and cries. I could tell you it was a product of praying parents and Grandparents my whole life. I could tell you it was the prophecies and anointings I partnered with even as a child, in my way. I could tell you it was the steady beautiful feeding of my spirit through my church here, and the nurturing through my church family and friends. I could tell you it was just the right time or season. We know it was all these things, and so many more.
But I will tell you this –
For some God blessed reason I just one day woke up and STATED that I will be convicted.
I then STATED that this year I will put God first no matter what.
It was time.
But shouldn’t it always have been?
It doesn’t even matter anymore, because NOW is where we are at.
Here is what happened:
I surrendered the reigns.
And God took them.
And I have been holding on for dear life ever since.
I encountered God.
OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
Some people, this comes and smacks them over the head whether they asked for it or not.
Me,
I said –
Now it’s time to be convicted.
And then I was.
And I just wonder,
don’t you?
What might happen if you did too.
