I am embarrassed to say I received client feedback last night from one of my members, and instead of pausing to reflect and respond intentionally I fired off 4 minutes+ of long-winded audio messaging from a place that was largely unthinking and reactive.
I’ve come a long way from the days 10 years ago where I used to be nothing other than AGGRESSIVE about whether or not I was ‘for’ people, and would actively engage in online combat like I was feeding on it, pulling out all my fancy words and round-in-circles insistence that if people couldn’t see things my way they could leave.
I LITERALLY had memes saved on my camera roll just for dropping in comments for this kind of thing.
I made my OWN ones.
(they’re still pretty funny but no you can’t see them)
I cultivated polarisation.
I thought it was one of my gifts.
Actually God already made me polarising automatically, and I can do that in grace in Him and RIGHTLY .. I don’t need to cultivate it. And polarisation should not mean rude or uncaring.
Ugh.
It is SUPER uncomfortable to look back on.
I know a lot of people who followed and bought from me back then loved and thrived on polarising aggressive Kat, and look – my intention and heart at the time was truly for alignment and ‘being unapologetically you’ for everyone.
I’ve always believed in destiny, purpose, and that as messengers and leaders we have to unwaveringly stick to the truth.
But let’s get real –
THE truth and ‘MY’ truth are not always the same thing.
I was insecure, flopping wildly and hurting badly in my personal life, and was also learning how to find my voice in an industry which absolutely does allow narcissistic style ranting to rise.
I think most people saw my heart.
I am so grateful for the many of you who have been on this wild journey with me for nearly the whole 20 years now online! Or at least a good chunk of it.
Lord knows you’ve seen me make a fool of myself too many times to count.
Back in that day, the #1 thing people would say when they met me in person, which was a lot as I ran a lot of events around the world and also spoke on stages for others, was “wow. You’re so much nicer in person than what I thought” or “I didn’t realise how kind you are” or “you’re so quiet in person!”
That last bit sometimes haha. I get pretty fiery and extra depending.
I would always think though … “why did you want to meet me if you didn’t think I was nice?!”
I actually found it confusing. I felt like – but don’t you all SEE that I need to tear strips to get the message out?!
I just desperately wanted people to wake up and be yes AGGRESSIVE about purpose, alignment, and doing what they came here to do.
My heart has always been for people.
But that heart was not always filled with the love of Christ and replaced from its human state, and I absolutely was lashing out through my own ‘stuff’. A lot.
I learned to ride it with the angsty part of me, and thought it was my secret sauce. Part of, at least.
Sometimes I think it’s amazing so many people stuck with me.
Other times I think I’m just really really hard on myself, and over think everything.
I know I impacted thousands positively through those years.
But I also know I absolutely hurt and was rude to some people who didn’t deserve that at all, and had genuine questions which were fair.
(Of course there were also some people who were just unmentionables as well, and definitely not ‘for’ me)
If I ever tore strips off of you I am sorry.
Last night I didn’t do THAT but I did essentially – in a less aggressive and no cursing way – clap back and say why what the person had said to me (lovingly!) was not actually true.
With the Holy Spirit in me now and also a few years and some maturity in my corner I then woke up 18 gajillionty times tossing and turning and knowing that even though technically what I said was true … for ME … it was terrible receiving of feedback from somebody I value and love in my membership (which is everybody)
and also just silly.
I wrote and sent an apology this morning as soon as I got past coffee o’clock.
I no longer agree with the me who thinks business is her way or the highway.
I want the feedback.
I want this thing to be shaped through the eyes of those I am here for.
Once I came off my high horse I could see that this feedback was important and will allow me to improve things for my members, and that excites me!
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not in the business of adapting the work God has given me to steward based on every different person’s opinion or ideas.
But that is not what this was.
I’m grateful we get to be on this journey TOGETHER, as a community, all evolving and maturing and deepening as we go.
And that the human messy bits don’t have to be ignored.
And most of all I am so grateful to the Holy Spirit that he does not let me stay in pride when I get into it.
Now don’t forget –
Life is Now. Press Play.
Kat
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*2015 pic which pretty much shows the real me who was somehow also firing off at everybody aggressively before she even looked it.
