I don’t know exactly when it was, and I don’t think it was just one incident that put me outside of His grace.
I think … well, I know … I’d had God on the back-burner for years. Really, from my mid to late teen years when I started to listen to the lies the devil was telling me that I just wasn’t ‘getting’ God, church, or any of it.
We’d moved to Germany (from Australia) when I was 14, we’d certainly stayed in church there and I had good friendships within youth, went on church camp, all the things, but to be frank – most of my first ‘illicit’ / un-Christian teenage experiences happened directly through that youth group and those church camps. Maybe that’s just what I was open to (it was). Maybe it was a very different dynamic from the extremely protective pentecostal environment I’d been in back home (it was). Maybe it was as simple as the fact that just as God has a plan for our destiny, so too does satan, and me?
I started to take it. Nothing dramatic. Just little – allowances. Little – deviances. Little – listenings, on repeat, to feed my areas of insecurity and weakness.
“You’re not pretty enough / cool enough / one of the popular kids / you don’t do it right / you need to fit in better”.
Etc.
Like many of my clients over the years, I’d always been a natural leader and one who knows her truth. Yet at the same time, also like many of my clients, I was always very unsure of myself in some ways.
Even 20+ years ago I would find myself in situations where I was imparting deep TRUTH to people far my senior, far more successful than me, and they would listen, receive, and then COMPLETELY change their life into a path more aligned! In fact, this happened in various ways even far earlier than that!
So it’s no surprise I found myself building a business of mentoring the ‘1% within the 1%’ who know they’re called for more, and who are called to unapologetically press play in business and life on their terms … all the while me myself still learning how to get to the bit where I do that!! Ah the work that is never done in our own efforts 😉
I was always embodying – always showing up for what I was LED to – always in the ability to activate people far more powerful than I, or simply those who were ready to say yes to who they really were – and I got really really good at learning the difference between my MIND, my EMOTION, my FEAR, and … just what I was meant to say or do anyway.
My coaching business made, has made, tens of millions of dollars off the back of this approach. In short: ignore what my mind is freaking out about, do what I KNOW is right anyway. Say what needs to be said, the way it needs to be said! And, as most of us do, keep on taking my own medicine as fast as I release it!!
Meanwhile –
Well before I even started online (in 2006) my relationship with God had faded right into the background of my life.
The best way to say it is that the insecurity and LIE that I can’t be close to God because ‘I don’t do it right and I don’t know what I’m meant to feel’ had kicked in in my teens and it bit by bit just … grew.
My adult life was in my own effort and will. With a statement that I was Christian. An always and ‘of course!’ belief in God. The Holy Spirit in me. But not being given room, nor priority, to move.
So.
I built a coaching business centred around purpose, alignment, saying yes to who you really came here to be, destiny and being born for MORE … and I knew the whole entire time that all of that was centred around GOD … except I just didn’t put Him at the centre of any of it, starting with me.
I taught supernatural truths which work whether or not you put God at the core. Because law is law; it works. Except – if it’s not God centric it IS AND ONLY CAN BE LEADING TO DEATH AND DESTRUCTION.
Sure,
a lot of what I have taught has been principles of alignment, mindset, business from purpose, and just – not listening to fear, doubt, other people’s rules – and really I suppose that’s been the bulk of it. I found a way to impart to others how to simply go inward and create what was to be found there.
My clients truly are and have been for years that 1% within the 1% person who just has the ability to colour outside the lines and create something MIND blowing, which changes the world. They are the ones who fight against themselves for a period, and then eventually SURRENDER TO IT HAS TO BE THE WAY I SEE IT WITHIN ME.
They make money where it shouldn’t be made.
See business explode in ways which make no sense.
And walk their path of alignment ever more on course with their true desires the more they realise that IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE THE WAY THE WORLD IS SAYING.
But,
they are all seekers,
as am I,
and what I bit by bit had stopped seeking,
was how to get closer to God.
Instead, I turned increasingly to principles of the world which promise fulfilment and which WORK UP TO A POINT. And, whilst always being very ‘no way never’ outspoken about all things New Age, the truth is I bit by bit slid into many New Age principles and practices. Toyingly at first. Embodying in the end.
I would say that the period where I truly ‘gave myself’ to beliefs of success which were not of God was the period where finally,
the grace of God left me, and my business.
Not completely – because there have been many obvious God moments during that time –
but all in all, yes.
And I spent that 4 or 5 years trying valiantly – IN MY OWN EFFORTS – to understand what just didn’t FEEL right anymore when I knew that I knew that I knew I came here to write, speak, pour forth!
It made no sense.
It also got harder and harder to really BE in the flow I’d unlocked in the period before that. Where I had tapped in to all these principles of receiving but perhaps not yet fully started to idolise my business, money, and my own abilities to do it.
Ugh.
I AM SO ETERNALLY GRATEFUL THAT GOD THREW THE BRAKES ON FOR ME THESE PAST FEW YEARS. And that I didn’t give up searching.
What’s funny is … the whole entire time I freaking KNEW –
I have to go all in with God.
What’s terrifying is … the whole entire time I freaking LISTENED TO THE LIE STILL –
I don’t know how. I’m not good enough. It will be too hard. I’m not ready. I just don’t feel it!
Can I tell you?
YOU DON’T NEED TO FEEL ANYTHING IN YOUR MIND WILL OR EMOTION IN ORDER TO CHOOSE WHAT IS RIGHT IN YOUR SPIRIT. The feelings will catch up. Your life may end before they do though, if they don’t choose. Your ETERNAL life will NOT end.
For me, in the end, THANK THE LORD, I just finally had enough.
For years I had resisted Him saying – “when will you come home?”
For years – during this same time frame in fact! – I had gone back to church, built community in the church, was being ‘of God’ but IN MY OWN EFFORTS, so yeah – nah – and was just kind of … sadly … waiting for when it would kick in. Whilst continuing to play with fire in every area of my life because ‘maybe it was fine’.
And eventually, in the end, it was as simple as this:
I stopped fighting.
I stopped running.
I stopped hiding.
I stopped waiting to feel or know something.
And I just decided –
Now I’m going to put God first.
And I said – “2023 will be the year I am convicted”.
I didn’t feel anything when I made that choice.
I just decided.
Well, that was only a little over 6 months ago. And what I have gone through, grown through, had removed from me and from in me since then seems like it must be 60 years has passed. I still can’t believe it. Except I can. BECAUSE GOD. It has been the most incredible, mind-blowing, testing, agonising, miraculous, shocking, restorative, and ALL THE WAY DEEP THROUGH MY CORE RESTFUL AND PEACEFUL time of my life.
In short:
I’ve been in supernatural bootcamp with the Lord Himself, and I’ve experienced what it really means to become renewed. Think of it like having every bit of you carved off – YOUR FLESH CRUCIFIED BC THAT’S WHAT IT IS, AND ALL YOUR WILL AND WAY – and all of it by your own DAILY choice …
and it’s the most wondrous joy-inducing incredible thing you’ve ever experienced and you JUST CAN’T BELIEVE HOW GOOD GOD IS AND HOW FREE YOU ARE. But you’re basically shaking all day every day and in alternate tears or laughter most of the time.
Oh,
and the bit about where God left my business?
He’s back baby.
AND THEN SOME.
So I guess what I came here to say to you today is simply …
what if you just decided?
Now don’t forget –
Life is Now. Press Play.
Kat
